My White Side

Its a beautiful day outside, and the first thing I thought to do was find a nice spot in the sun to chill. I chose the grass surrounding the bell tower. I found a nice place to sit, laid my jacket out, pulled my laptop out, looked around... and only saw white ppl. Cud the urge to b out in nature doing ramdom things to entertain myself b my white side coming out?

Before I continue let me clear a few things up. My parents are black, my grand parents are black and my great grand parents are black.

Moving on, this revelation caused me to think about other "white things" i do.

I listen to Imogen Heap
I wear my jeans 3 or 4 times before washing them
Im friendly to everyone
I rarely mop my kitchen floor and wen I do, I use paper towels and windex
I leave hair in the sink...and the drain
I eat hummus and like it
I dont like kool-aid or watermelon

Yup u herd it hear ladies and gentlemen. Now that u kno im not the cleanest person u kno and u'll probably never want to eat from my house... I have a confession to make

I want more white (and asian) friends.

I like their carefree spirits,down for whatever attitudes, and friendly personalities, even tho i think it's attributed NOT bein enslaved for hundreds of years.

B-Day Plans

My birthday wasnt anything spectacular, but I didnt really expect it to be.

I didnt plan anything and the only close friend i hav who is 21 got her i.d. stolen the day before. bummer.

I plan to make up for it this weekend tho, im throwing my first and probably last house party.

I wanted to hav a theme but didnt really feel passionate about anything but alcohol. So it's alcohol themed. Everyone will get a lil plastic shot glass and a list of drinking games upon entering. For the first couple of hours i plan to get fucked up playin the games. I hav a gud amount of ppl bringin bottles and im already gonna hav liq there. We're gonna get FUCKED up!

Im a kid at heart so of course im gonna walk around with a b-day girl tiara, hav a pinata and play drunken pin the tail on the donkey. All my closest friends and fam r coming from far and wide. Im so excited!

F-toDay

Hope you all enjoy the holiday with your loved ones, bcuz mine was eventful. I got a box of choclates and went out for lunch with old faithful, My newby wasnt even in town, and Im supposed to have a funfilled evening with bestie but she wants to invite someone else. Spoke to the ex and had a really long conversation with the most recent. Im left with a whole bunch of emotions, It's overwhelming. I've been happy, excited, disappointed, tired of pretending, frustrated, and calmed all in the last 6 hrs.

I really just want an L, a gud book, and a pad and pen to jot down my sparractic thoughts.

What face?...I looked like a lightbulb went off? (O shyt)
Aww stop making me blush...
Can't wait! Who wants to come? Nevermind...
We're not gonna talk about THAT rite now...
I really cant c us being friends...

Transitioning

Im about to get back on my blog shyt. Yea I kno I've claimed it a few times before, but this time Im fareal. I need to. I'm making major changes in my life and I need to document,express them, and maybe get some feedback. Every1 needs guidance. Here's a list of new decisions I've made in my life. For clarity, these arent things that I plan to do, there things that I've been doing.

1. I'm going to all my classes. I've experimented with different schedules in the past, the long weekend, the once a week classes, but I think that I've found 1 that really fits. Short classes on MWF so they aren't as agonizing and Tues and Thurs off as study days. This way I can be more motivated to go to classes because they're shorter and closer together, and I can stay in school mode because my free time is during thee week.

2. I'm no longer a clepto. I've been wanting to stop for a while, but my lesson was officially learned wen Rite Aid tried to set me up last week. So I go to the Aid for some plug in refills to keep my crib fresh with no intentions on paying for them. I pick them out, and lift them, then I notice the manager and undercover loss prevention guy b-line to the front of the store. How obvious. I still had intentions on taking it because I think I'm invincible and I knew there were no sensors. I continue shopping and I think to myself, "Self, u kno u hav the money to pay for this and karma hasnt been treating u gud lately, jus buy it" So i proceeded to the register for my purchase and as I walk out, the undercover nigga MAKES the sensor go off. So they pull me to the side preying on their new victim, but to no avail. I left smiling knowing that I made the right decision, and will continue to from now on.

3. Im celebate. Despite not having sex for almost 2 months now, I dont really miss it. Im interested in someone, but I want to wait until I've completely healed from the disaster I call friends with benefits. Sex complicates everything, and gets me really attached to a person. I want to b sure that Im doing it with someone who truly cares about me.

4. Im focusing on me. I've noticed that I sometimes crave attention from guys. Not good. When Im lonely or bored, I just call a dude to help entertain me. So I said to myself, "Self, u need to make urself happy". And that's what Im doing. Im looking for things to get involved in, focusing on what I want and what makes me happy, and making a plan for my future.

Love in An Illusion

Because its the end of the semester, I've been spending alot of time in the tech. Because of all the cappuccinos i've been cheating the sac and sevelev out of, disguising them as regular coffee, i've also had to make frequent bathroom trips. In the women's bathroom in the tech (the big one), there are a few stalls that are graffitied with Temple girls' comments and thoughts. Yes, I do enjoy reading these while i release all the bullshyt that college life and men bring to my life.

While relieving, I read a response that inspired me. It actually changed my whole way of thinking and instantly cured the disease we all kno as heartache. The first writing said "love fails". It was reciprocated with "Love's an illusion, a grand complex illusion we all seem to think is the only thing that matters, bcuz it might be the only thing we can count on." True right? Well I've mentioned it to a few others and they disagreed and said there were different types of love. So im editing the quote and saying, "Being in love is an illusion".

And it so true.

Not kidding, the instant i read this nugget of knowledge, all the butterflies and bubble guts in my stomach from the difficult situation i was in disappeared. It was amazing. Thank You anonymous toilet poet.

So if you're in a jam right now, and ur trying to get over someone, just remember that it is all an illusion. And the most likely reason ur so upset is bcuz u miss the person that ur so used to talking to and being with. Ur brain is so programmed on thinking about this person, that it continues even wen u dont want it to. Stay strong and remember that ur all u got, so u gotta keep urself happy above all.

A Dream Detered

It's 4 o'clock in the morning,

and I'm crying my eyes out.

Not because I hate my life, which I do right now, but because I hate school.
Im studying for a Marketing make-up exam, and nothing's sticking, if I get a bad grade on this test, I will have to withdraw from my third class at Temple. Waste my parents money for the third time, even tho Im gonna find a way to change my transcript before I show them. And get this, Marketing is my major.

Im not in any organizations
I dont have a job
I dont do any volunteer work
I have bad karma
and my love life sucks

This is my 15th consecutive year in school, and i've hated it for the past 7
Why do we have to be robots in society, forced to get a college degree because it's the only way we'll make a decent living -and that's not even guaranteed anymore. We've all heard of Rich Dad, Poor Dad. The Poor one was the one with all the degrees, are you depressed as I am yet?

The only reason I am still here is because my mother said it would be a slap in her face if I quit. But i want to REALLY bad or at least take sometime off. I faced that I was a quitter in high school when I couldnt commit to an extra curricular activity. I've become comfortable with it now.

If I do get this fucking degree, Im goin to lie about my volunteer work, activities, and GPA if possible, to my future employer, who I hate already. I cant even commit to my college schedule which is so not demanding, how am I possibly going to commit to a 9-5. Im not. Im gonna quit.

I hate being the only child. There's so much pressure to be a success because I'm all my parents have. Why can't I be a deadbeat in peace! Please friends, get extremely rich so you can hook me up with a job that I like. Like hanging out with you all day, or organizing your closet. Its a shame that my expectations are so low, but its hard to see the point of what I'm doing, let alone motivate myself.

I think I wanna just change my major to something I actually like doing. I almost have enough credits for a business minor. I think im gonna switch to STOC (public relations), what I came in as and just take the low starting salary. At least I'm doing something I like, and I may even go to fucking class.

But what about student loans? I already have mad shyt on my credit from the 2 measly years I've had it, how many more are they actually going to give me? And why the fuck is out-of-state tuition so much more? I should have went to a New Jersey school. Then I wouldnt miss grass and trees so much, and I'd have a car...probably not, but the thought of it makes me feel better.

K now that everyone knows why I'm not looking forward to my future, Im gonna go to sleep and wing it on this make-up exam tomorro off of studying 2 of 8 chapters. If the A was meant to get, it'll be gotten.

Sincerely,
The Pink Pessimist

Lions Tigers, and Bears

I heard this song off of Jazmine Sullivan's new album called Lions, Tigers, and Bears. The moment I heard it, I wanted to burst out into tears. It's about her being fearless of everything but loving a man. I am the type of person to become infatuated with someone I began talking to very quickly. After ending it with my ex, I was in no rush to feel anything towards anyone. I met this one guy and I liked him, I had plans for him to be my summer fling. I knew it wouldnt go too far because I was taking my time with my emotions, and I didn't like him like him. He just wasnt the type I'd make my man, until... I got attached. He's a very "to himself" type of person, so I saw it as a challenge to get him to open up. In order to do that I had to let my guard down so he could trust me to let his down. To counter this, I continued to talk to other guys, so I'd always have a plan B or a rebound.

Guess What! The shyt didn't work. He opened up, but the other dudes didnt stop the process of beatness. I didnt have as much control over my emotions as I thought I did. So while I was talking to at least 3 other guys, I would still be mad cuz this one nigga aint call me back when he said he would. It was crazy! NoOne EVER had me so beat, I hated it! And I didn't just absolutely adore him, I absolutely adored his whole family. This nigga has my heart in a chokehold and doesnt know it. So basically I'm not scared of Lions, Tigers, or Bears, but Im scared of loving him. Because he has so much control over his emotions and me, I'm scared to get my heart broken :( and I dont know how to undo it.

Sincerely
The Nieve Pimp